What a Shitty Dad

18 Apr

Toilet  seat for shitty dad

After months of slaving around the house, your wife is finally ready to go out with a few girlfriends for dinner at the Cheesecake factory. before she leaves she makes sure that dinner is ready for you and your first born, and that a bottle is ready for the 10 week old who is being handed to you just before she leaves. Shrek is is on  even before the door closes behind your wife, your youngest offspring takes a sip of milk and is already asleep. You take advantage of the sudden freedom, and start stuffing your face with anything within an arms reach. The baby wakes up, the toddler is redecorating the floor with dinner and then it happens. It’s not like you can control it or anything, it’s just there. You have to take a dump. What are you going to do? A two and a half months old infant is sucking milk out of a bottle, and you calculate your every move so you don’t release a wet fart, you must to shit, right now. You leave the bottle and go to the bathroom with the baby in your arms, quickly taking your pants off while balancing the poor bundle of joy. You seat down. Explosion. Relief. You hold the baby sitting up just the way the lactation advisor told your wife to do in a patronizing tone, and when she burps, after putting her through stink hell all you can think is: “Please don’t spit up into my underwear” and she does. You clean the white stain first because it doesn’t look right, and only then you check to see if your own flesh and blood needs her face cleaned. What a shitty dad.

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4 Responses to “What a Shitty Dad”

  1. Mandy June 5, 2012 at 1:59 pm #

    I will be sure to have my husband read this tonight when he gets home for work. He will LOL, for sure, and I happen to know that he can relate to you. (Not that he’s a shitty dad… just that he happens to end up in the bathroom at all the wrong times.) 🙂

  2. bradthecomedian June 7, 2012 at 1:23 am #

    This is a hilarious story and a glimpse into the world of parenting people don’t often see.

Trackbacks/Pingbacks

  1. Papa Make Peepee « shittydad - May 18, 2012

    On rare occasions, we even take a kid with us to the shitter.

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