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Old Dog’s Tricks

23 Dec

Just like everybody else, we are seeing family this holiday season. My wife’s father was very happy to see us. Him, his wife, and two dogs were waiting for us. The small nervous dachshund was placed in another room and the kids were left to play with the old, extremely long basset hound.

My son and him had an immediate connection, and not thirty minutes from the time we arrived, they were both  lying on the floor engaged in deep conversation.

My eleven month old daughter was a bit more suspicious, and it took her some time to warm up, but she finally did. So did the dog, and before I could say bastard hound he was dry humping my baby.

After we separated them, just to make sure I understood what was going on, my father in law’s wife explained that the dog did it because of my daughter’s “smells“. She repeated it many times because if it’s important you have to make sure everybody got it!

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The Picker

10 Oct

I am constantly telling my son to stop picking his nose. I however, spend the first ten minutes after arriving home in the evening doing just that. I will also do it whenever I go to the bathroom. In fact, I sometimes go to the bathroom just to do it. I do it in the car but only after dark. It’s not that I’m proud of it but how can you not do it? I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don’t feel the urge to dig in and take out all that good stuff. “Look it!” He is yelling in an ordering tone, filled with joy, pointing a mucus covered finger. And I love him so much, but this so disgusting. The fact that you enjoy the smell of  your own farts doesn’t mean that you appreciate it when your kids fart on your hand when you apply butt paste during a diaper change. Same goes for nose picking. You may say that I set a bad example with my own digging, but when I visit his daycare it seems like all the kids suffer from the same pre existing condition called Indexus En Nostrilus. They walk around, one hand holding a toy and the other searching for gold.

Stop picking your nose

Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Helmet

26 May

Jungle gym

People were giving me weird looks even before my son fell face down from a jungle gym’s hanging bridge at the park on the wood chips covering the ground.

In the car on the way to the park he was singing to himself, but NPR had a piece about red pants for men (I shit you not!), so I listened. He stopped singing after a while, not sure when.

It turns out that my fly was open. Not only open, but in a way that the package was showing. I wasn’t going comando or anything so I guess it could have been worse. By the time I realized what was going on it was already too late. All the other parents were keeping a safe distance. Thankfully nobody called the police. I wonder what I’d do in a situation like this. Wouldn’t it be easier just to say “hey bud, your fly’s open”?  It’s a lot less embarrassing then walking around with your penis sticking out of your pants like some pervert.

In the tenth of a second before he fell, when I knew it was going to happen but couldn’t do anything to stop it, I think I wanted to warn him “Be prepared son, this is going to hurt”. Never mind, he figured it out on his own a moment later. When I rushed to him I wasn’t thinking about sex, money, or sports, which are the three things I usually think about, not necessarily in this order. It was that stupid parental I wish I could take the blow instead of him notion. I was also happy that his mom wasn’t there. She was happy too. Earlier in the day we got him a helmet for his tricycle, and he wouldn’t take it off. When I finally got to him, he already started getting up, he cried for a few seconds, then inquired if he had any boo boos, and went back to play.

That’s when I saw that my fly was open.

Papa Make Peepee

18 May

Morning wood underwear“What’s that daddy?” asks the curious toddler, pointing towards my underwear. And I, had just woken up, and still half asleep, don’t answer but want to say:” This is called morning wood , and like all days, it will go to waste, but I’m still grateful for the fact that it’s still here, just like when it started when I was a young teenager.”

We don’t care much for closed doors at home, that is except for when we shit. Then we close the door. A bit for privacy, but mostly so we don’t stink up the entire apartment. On rare occasions, we’ll even take a kid with us to the shitter. So since the kid is following us almost everywhere, it is not uncommon for him to join us in the bathroom  watch his videos on the iPad or talk to us while one of us is taking a shower. We gave him freedom the day we turned his Ikea crib into an Ikea toddler bed (take one side off and you’re done) and he is a free spirit since.

“All done daddy?” he pressures as I pee. “Not yet”. “All done daddy” in a much higher pitch suggesting that peeing for as long as I do is abnormal. “No”.  He giggles when I fart, and then say:”papa make peepee, no poops, peepee”. Then he flushes the toilet as I’m still standing there. This is so unexpected that my pee stops.

“All done daddy?”

Effin’ Five Minute Cake- A Recipe (In a way)

13 May

Quick bakeYou are so angry. The people you were waiting to hear from all week about a meet up, and eventually gave up hope of meeting with them this week, just called and invited themselves for coffee and cake in twenty min at your place. Fuck. The apartment is a total mess. Toys, dishes, strollers, books, mail, and even a couple of used diapers that you didn’t get a chance to dump are everywhere, you need to get the kids ready, and you don’t have a cake!

The quick fix for the chaos is simple: Everything goes into the bedroom. Then you shut the door, and defend it with your life for the rest of the evening. The wife will take care of the kids.

This took you twelve minutes, and now you only have eight left. To late for a supermarket run.  “You are out of your element Donny”. You are screwed. Unless…. no, it can’t be done… It’s an urban legend… Unless you will make the 5 minute brownie. What you need are four spoons of flour, same goes for sugar, two spoons of unsweetened cocoa powder (if you don’t have then fuck it, just use Nesquik or whatever), an egg, three spoons of milk, of oil, and of chocolate chips. Vanilla extract is recommended but not a must (don’t spend precious minutes looking for it). You’le need something that can go in the microwave. I use a large mug, but be creative, what ever you can find that will not explode and destroy your life will do. Mix everything together, first the dry stuff, then add the egg, then the wet stuff, nuke for three minutes (don’t panik if it rises a lot) and that’s it here’s your cake.

Assuming you were quick, you just barely made it before the guests arrived. But let me ask you a question, what kind of an ass hole shows up at your house with almost no notice and doesn’t bring cake?

The Catch

10 May

Let me describe the situation. You are sitting in the bedroom, watching TV, checking email, eating, or whatever it is you do when you have a moment to yourself. Suddenly, you hear a remote thud, followed by an “Oh shit”.

You rush towards the voice and you see your wife holding her nose saying: ” I think I broke my nose”.  “What happened?” you ask, and she is telling you that she was trying to kiss the kid as he was getting up which resulted in a collision. If this never happend to you, you are either not a parent, a very recent one, or the luckiest mom/dad alive. Anyway, she doesn’t get to finish the sentence when your son is coming out of his room screaming in pain (or so it seems).

So your wife is on one side holding her nose. This could be a real medical emergency. And your son is crying on the other side, you don’t know his condition. Now, here is the catch. Who do you go to first? The answer may not be so simple. I went for the kid.

Wrong answer.

But if I went for the wife it would also be a mistake. The correct answer I now understand, is to ask (twice): “What to do? What to do?”

Then you’l know.

Heavy Breathing

6 May

This is a family of snorers. You know what an orchestra sounds like in the moments just before the concert starts? the fine tuning. So something like that. Complete cacophony.

Breast pump

Our apartment is quite roomy, but somehow in the morning, we all wake up in the same room, and almost always in the same bed. It’s not always snoring, but those intolerable noises to which my wife refers to as “heavy breathing”. There are a few kinds of “heavy breathing”, with the most common being something that sounds almost like snoring but does’t have the same force, energy, or volume. A typical scenario involving heavy breathing will have me in deep sleep suddenly being torn  out of my dream by constant shaking. It’s an awful feeling, like someone is ripping you out of your own skin. And then, when I open my eyes, the wife would say: “You were snoring” now, I don’t think I snore at whole so I would ask: “Was I really snoring?” and she would say: “You were breathing heavy”, and I would say: ” You wake me up for this? Come on!”. Another popular kind is the “Khaa”. It almost sounds like dripping water only backwards. It’s as if the sleeper has a valve in his/her nose that is only allowing so much air to enter and exit. If you know what a breast pump sounds like (which in it self is a subject for another post) then you are getting closer. When I try to sleep and hear it, it’s driving me nuts. We have two “Khaa” offenders. Wife and son, and the way to deal with it is very simple: With wife, I just grab her arm, gently first, then a more firm grip as needed. She’ll turn around eventually and the Khaa would stop. With son, I just roll him to face his mom. In both cases, speaking is not required.

Cramps

30 Apr

belly cramp

In the past few months I’ve been pretty good about attending the gym. I guess I started around the time that we were expecting our second child to be born. It’s helpful that I have one at work, and I can sneak in when there’s no one there and do my workout.  This “workout” includes some bike riding, easy weight lifting, and a few pushups. Lately, I added  sit-ups, but have not mastered it yet. About a week and a half ago I didn’t get a chance to go when I wanted, so I went to the gym on my lunch break. I wasn’t the only one there. There were all those that working out is a way of life. We all know these people: Slender, fit, muscles in the right places, Tattoos, no chest hair, rushing between a cross fit practice and an extreme bicycle race. Everything they do looks so easy. In other words, because of people like these, people like me cancel their gym membership or more likely don’t get one in the first place.

So, I did my thing and everything was OK until I got to the sit-ups. I decided to do double as many sit-ups as I usually do (from 10 to 20!) When I was done I know that I have a problem.  I had a cramp. In the lower right side of my belly. I  collapsed on the floor, and crawled to the side  where I lay in a fetus position. I knew from experience (I sometimes get this when having sex) that it would pass in a few minutes, but this one was something else, I could barely breath. This was way worse then anything I had ever encountered before. This is probably  the closest thing to contractions  a man can feel. I also may have let one slip. I’m not sure because I don’t remember farting, but it  sure smelled like one of my farts there. Then one of the guys came over and asked: “Hey dude, got a cramp?” I immediately grabbed my thigh and said: “Yeah man”.
I saw them hiding a smile.