Archive | Farting RSS feed for this section

The Picker

10 Oct

I am constantly telling my son to stop picking his nose. I however, spend the first ten minutes after arriving home in the evening doing just that. I will also do it whenever I go to the bathroom. In fact, I sometimes go to the bathroom just to do it. I do it in the car but only after dark. It’s not that I’m proud of it but how can you not do it? I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don’t feel the urge to dig in and take out all that good stuff. “Look it!” He is yelling in an ordering tone, filled with joy, pointing a mucus covered finger. And I love him so much, but this so disgusting. The fact that you enjoy the smell of  your own farts doesn’t mean that you appreciate it when your kids fart on your hand when you apply butt paste during a diaper change. Same goes for nose picking. You may say that I set a bad example with my own digging, but when I visit his daycare it seems like all the kids suffer from the same pre existing condition called Indexus En Nostrilus. They walk around, one hand holding a toy and the other searching for gold.

Stop picking your nose

Papa Make Peepee

18 May

Morning wood underwear“What’s that daddy?” asks the curious toddler, pointing towards my underwear. And I, had just woken up, and still half asleep, don’t answer but want to say:” This is called morning wood , and like all days, it will go to waste, but I’m still grateful for the fact that it’s still here, just like when it started when I was a young teenager.”

We don’t care much for closed doors at home, that is except for when we shit. Then we close the door. A bit for privacy, but mostly so we don’t stink up the entire apartment. On rare occasions, we’ll even take a kid with us to the shitter. So since the kid is following us almost everywhere, it is not uncommon for him to join us in the bathroom  watch his videos on the iPad or talk to us while one of us is taking a shower. We gave him freedom the day we turned his Ikea crib into an Ikea toddler bed (take one side off and you’re done) and he is a free spirit since.

“All done daddy?” he pressures as I pee. “Not yet”. “All done daddy” in a much higher pitch suggesting that peeing for as long as I do is abnormal. “No”.  He giggles when I fart, and then say:”papa make peepee, no poops, peepee”. Then he flushes the toilet as I’m still standing there. This is so unexpected that my pee stops.

“All done daddy?”

Cramps

30 Apr

belly cramp

In the past few months I’ve been pretty good about attending the gym. I guess I started around the time that we were expecting our second child to be born. It’s helpful that I have one at work, and I can sneak in when there’s no one there and do my workout.  This “workout” includes some bike riding, easy weight lifting, and a few pushups. Lately, I added  sit-ups, but have not mastered it yet. About a week and a half ago I didn’t get a chance to go when I wanted, so I went to the gym on my lunch break. I wasn’t the only one there. There were all those that working out is a way of life. We all know these people: Slender, fit, muscles in the right places, Tattoos, no chest hair, rushing between a cross fit practice and an extreme bicycle race. Everything they do looks so easy. In other words, because of people like these, people like me cancel their gym membership or more likely don’t get one in the first place.

So, I did my thing and everything was OK until I got to the sit-ups. I decided to do double as many sit-ups as I usually do (from 10 to 20!) When I was done I know that I have a problem.  I had a cramp. In the lower right side of my belly. I  collapsed on the floor, and crawled to the side  where I lay in a fetus position. I knew from experience (I sometimes get this when having sex) that it would pass in a few minutes, but this one was something else, I could barely breath. This was way worse then anything I had ever encountered before. This is probably  the closest thing to contractions  a man can feel. I also may have let one slip. I’m not sure because I don’t remember farting, but it  sure smelled like one of my farts there. Then one of the guys came over and asked: “Hey dude, got a cramp?” I immediately grabbed my thigh and said: “Yeah man”.
I saw them hiding a smile.

Night Fart

19 Apr

Last night, my wife was farting up a storm. In her sleep. We had a guest using the other bedroom so the kids stayed with us. I counted fourteen farts before I stopped counting. It was two AM, and I was feeding the little one, when I witnessed the phenomenon. You know the sound that a semi-trailer makes on the highway sometimes? Like the driver lets go of the gas pedal   and a horse like noise comes out. That’s what her farts sounded like. And she didn’t even move, not even a moan. One of them was so loud that it startled my first born  so much that he almost fell off the bed. I had to push him with my foot so he stays on his bed and doesn’t end up on the floor. How can such a beautiful creature produce suce thunders? Yes, my foot, I was feeding the baby.

About a half an hour later, my wife wasn’t farting anymore, the baby was asleep. I was wiped. I finally went to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later realizing that my son somehow managed to sneak into our bed, and was now patting me on the shoulder and saying: “su-si, su-si…” I just barked: “NO PUSHING” and closed my eyes. It took my a while to understand that I in the boy’s way and this gentleman of a toddler was actually saying: “excuse me” cause he wanted to get off the bed and go play.

What a shitty dad.farts like a truck