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Mirror Mirror

10 Jan

image

And then I noticed it. The mirror.

Generally speaking, all three star chain hotel rooms look the same, smell the same, and feel the same. But this room was somewhat different. I think that It was simply nicer then other rooms we stayed in.
The Mirror in the bathroom seemed ordinary  at first, but then I went to pee. Thing is, I could see my self pee. The whole thing. The mirror was right above the toilet, and very low. This was very different. If you think you know what you look like naked, you need to visit this PA hotel to get a second opinion. Watching myself pee made me realize two things. One, that the situation down there is better then what I always thought and two, that peeing was not the only thing I wanted to watch my slf do in front of that magical mirror. But for that I had to wait until much later when everyone was finally asleep.

It was worth the wait. Like in the movies (you know what kinds of movies I’m referring to, no need to split hairs, right?)

*Writing on my phone is proving to be more difficult then what I thought it would be.

The Long And Winding Road

19 Nov

The baby started crying shortly after we started heading back . It turns out, that in the process of getting out we forgot the formula at home. A screaming baby in the back seat of the car for any ride longer then thirty seconds is a nightmare. A hungry screaming baby is adding the guilt factor which makes it unbearable. Almost.

So we started singing all the songs that work. Songs that work are giving you the illusion that you can over come the crying. But it’s quiet only while you sing. Stop singing and a different kind of a concert begins. So here we are, mom and dad, both nursing a cold, singing our lungs out with some assistance from our older one, driving as fast as we can when suddenly the car in front of us is slowing down until it stops completely, and moves to the side of the road. My initial thought was that there has been an accident, but no, there was no accident. The lady in the Prius (of course) across from me had her car stopped in the middle with blinking lights and a stupid smile, while two ducks, birds of a feather, were trying to cross the road. Everybody around us seemed very happy. They did not have a screaming infant in their car. I waited for about a minute and then pure honesty took over and I shouted “Fuck the ducks!” And took off. The annoying lady in the Prius didn’t like it at all.

Happy Thanksgiving.

* No ducks or cars were harmed during the making of this post.

Road Trips and Other Thoughts

5 Nov

Road Trip- Family road trips are great. You get to change atmosphere, spend some time with the family, see new things, if you are lucky and avoid rush hour you are in for a smooth ride. In short, road trips can be a lot of fun. But when the kids are asleep in the back, and you and your wife finally have some real quality time to have a meaningful conversation, after you talk about the kids, sex, work, money, starting your own business and your friends, you start talking about your relatives. In the middle of the talk about your relatives you decide to buy more life insurance.

Don’t Flush- There are many reasons why Don’t Flush order is in effect. The most obvious one is a clogged toilet, but there are other reasons like water preservation or just trying not to wake the kids up. Regardless of the reason, the likelihood of actually remembering not to flush is slim at best. I could spend the entire time I pee thinking about how much I shouldn’t flush. I keep thinking about it while I pull the lever and then realize what I just did deep into washing my hands.

The Package- An unidentified box came to my work. I was asked to look into it. Since there was no name on the box it remained unopened. So it was for me to determine who’s it for. I opened it alone, but the loud “Holly Shit” that came out of my mouth unintentionally attracted  a small crowd. In the box, resting comfortably side by side, was a big blue dildo, and a ring shaped piece of equipment that despite all my porn education I’ve never seen before. We couldn’t find a name on the packing slip at first, and I was already thinking about how to sneak the ring shaped thing out of the building when we saw the name. Why the fuck would you have this stuff ship to work? What was he thinking? He said he bought it as a gift for someone. That’s what I would have said if someone found my dildo.

Last thing- Between road trips, hurricanes, parenthood and a bunch of other things I wasn’t around much to share the shittiness of a dad that I am with the world. So thanks for still reading my stuff.

 

 

The Picker

10 Oct

I am constantly telling my son to stop picking his nose. I however, spend the first ten minutes after arriving home in the evening doing just that. I will also do it whenever I go to the bathroom. In fact, I sometimes go to the bathroom just to do it. I do it in the car but only after dark. It’s not that I’m proud of it but how can you not do it? I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don’t feel the urge to dig in and take out all that good stuff. “Look it!” He is yelling in an ordering tone, filled with joy, pointing a mucus covered finger. And I love him so much, but this so disgusting. The fact that you enjoy the smell of  your own farts doesn’t mean that you appreciate it when your kids fart on your hand when you apply butt paste during a diaper change. Same goes for nose picking. You may say that I set a bad example with my own digging, but when I visit his daycare it seems like all the kids suffer from the same pre existing condition called Indexus En Nostrilus. They walk around, one hand holding a toy and the other searching for gold.

Stop picking your nose

Turtle Head

8 Sep

I don’t like shitting in public places. I know from previous comments that I’m not alone in this. But sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

I had to take a dump so I went to the shitter at work. Two stalls, one urinal. Divided by plywood or something like that. I got in and set. I started doing my business and someone walked in and set on the other stool. I immediately resolved to code turtle head  (It looks like a turtle head sticking out of… figure it out on your own) and waited. I can’t perform like this. The guy barely set and started shitting his ass out. He was done in ninety seconds.

When he walked out of the booth, he slammed the door. As a result, my door opened. Thankfully, by the time it opened completely he was gone. So here I am sitting there with the door wide open. My worst nightmare I thought but it wasn’t over yet. So I decided to go for it and close the fucking door. With my pants to my knees I started frog walking. Then I heard the sound. Terrible sound.When you hear it you know you are fucked. It was the sound of the turtle head splashing on the floor.

And then someone walked in. I think (wishful) that I closed the door before he saw me.

Cleaning it was a bitch.