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Turtle Head

8 Sep

I don’t like shitting in public places. I know from previous comments that I’m not alone in this. But sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

I had to take a dump so I went to the shitter at work. Two stalls, one urinal. Divided by plywood or something like that. I got in and set. I started doing my business and someone walked in and set on the other stool. I immediately resolved to code turtle head  (It looks like a turtle head sticking out of… figure it out on your own) and waited. I can’t perform like this. The guy barely set and started shitting his ass out. He was done in ninety seconds.

When he walked out of the booth, he slammed the door. As a result, my door opened. Thankfully, by the time it opened completely he was gone. So here I am sitting there with the door wide open. My worst nightmare I thought but it wasn’t over yet. So I decided to go for it and close the fucking door. With my pants to my knees I started frog walking. Then I heard the sound. Terrible sound.When you hear it you know you are fucked. It was the sound of the turtle head splashing on the floor.

And then someone walked in. I think (wishful) that I closed the door before he saw me.

Cleaning it was a bitch.

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Guests

7 Aug

We love when guests from out of town come to visit and stay with us for a few days. Especially if it’s family. This was the case over the weekend.

The situation however, didn’t come without its challenges. No, I’m not talking about the fact that the kids stay with us in our room. If you read this shitty blog before, by now you know that the kids would end up in our bed at night anyway.

I’m talking about other things, more important. When you have guests you are unable to: Fart freely, so you have to find all kind of excuses to get out. But even then you are not safe because a neighbor might be outside and would want to start a conversation. So you find yourself stinking up the car because there is nowhere else to go. You pay for it the next morning when you get in to your car , and the farts that were locked in all night, don’t smell like your farts but someone else’s. Get naked, so you have to stay clothed until you go to sleep. My usual dress code at home in underwear, t-shirt optional. Shit when and where you want. We are limited to the bathroom in our bedroom, the one with all the plumbing issues. So every dump has a fifty fifty chance that all the shit from the entire building would rise and spill all over your floor, covering my feet with diarrhea from all walks of life. I shat with the plumbing snake next to me. Jerking off. Is there really more to say? OK, I’ll say more. The first night, The wife helped after the kids were asleep. After that, I was on my own, alone, in the dark, hiding in the bathroom, taking advantage of everybody going out for ten minutes leaving me all alone.

Thing is, that the moment I knew I couldn’t do these things freely, I needed to do them all the time….

 

Oh Shit

22 Jul

1. Toilet Followup– It finally happened. The toilet overflowed. My wife was drying her hair in the bathroom (barefoot of course) when the kid decided to flush. I was in the other room when I heard a big “NOOoo!” that was part warning part realization that it was too late. It was pretty bad when I got there. Everybody was in a state of shock. I was The Wolf only that I was doing the cleaning and not just the planning. The wife was unharmed so I sent her out. The son was deep in shit, literally. By then so was I. I picked him up and put him in the bath. I moved as many things as I could but it already reached the dirty laundry that was piled in the corner. So I used the cloths and a couple of towels for the cleanup- please keep this in mind next time you ask to take a shower at my place! A disinfection was also required. All in all, a good experience.

2. An Interesting sequence with a naked child-

“Take your finger out of your nose.”

“Take your hand out of your mouth.”

“Take your finger out of your tushy.”

“Take your finger out of mommy’s tushy.”

“Mine!”

“No, it’s mom’s”

“DON’T STICK YOUR HAND IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!”

“I am going to give him a bath….”