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Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

Turtle Head

8 Sep

I don’t like shitting in public places. I know from previous comments that I’m not alone in this. But sometimes a man’s got to do what a man’s got to do.

I had to take a dump so I went to the shitter at work. Two stalls, one urinal. Divided by plywood or something like that. I got in and set. I started doing my business and someone walked in and set on the other stool. I immediately resolved to code turtle head  (It looks like a turtle head sticking out of… figure it out on your own) and waited. I can’t perform like this. The guy barely set and started shitting his ass out. He was done in ninety seconds.

When he walked out of the booth, he slammed the door. As a result, my door opened. Thankfully, by the time it opened completely he was gone. So here I am sitting there with the door wide open. My worst nightmare I thought but it wasn’t over yet. So I decided to go for it and close the fucking door. With my pants to my knees I started frog walking. Then I heard the sound. Terrible sound.When you hear it you know you are fucked. It was the sound of the turtle head splashing on the floor.

And then someone walked in. I think (wishful) that I closed the door before he saw me.

Cleaning it was a bitch.

Another poop story (not for the faint of heart)

27 Jun

Lately, as our plan to purchase our first home moves along , the adult conversation is about down payments, closing costs interest rates etc. Not so was the discussion that took place in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. I did not remember it in the morning after but my wife’s hard drive is better then mine and she was there to remind me:

Wife: “What was that noise?”

Me: “He just pooped”.

Wife: “Are you sure?”

Me: “His ass is in my face”.

Wife: “Oh shit”.

And shitty it was let me tell ya (he was wearing a diaper thankfully, but still)…

In a related story, last night he was twisting and turning so much in bed ( It is important to mention that my son keeps on sneaking into our bed at night), that at 4:30am I decided to go to his room to sleep on the guest’s futon. Two minutes later he was an inch from my face talking about Robots and Dinosaurs. It smelled awful so I asked him if he pooped to which he proudly replied “Yup!” .This was one of the worst shit mess I’ve seen in a while. It went all over his legs, then he touched it with his hand which he then put on the sofa… What can I say, Morning has broken.

Bones

9 Jun

Corn

The wife had a very concerned expression on her face. “He is putting Toby on his penis” she said.

She was giving him a bath at the time, the baby in the poop seat next to her. The poop seat is just a bouncy seat but  both of our kids and also other kids that we know tend to shit when placed on one. I was not so involved as I was getting ready to watch the basketball game of course.

I walked into the bathroom, where my giggling son was doing the deed and understood the problem. “It’s not Toby, it’s Bulstrode the Barge that he puts on his penis” I shouted to her (Both from Thomas and Friends Just in case you are not in the kids business).

And yes he was putting it over his penis and enjoying it. This throws me back to one of my earliest memories. I was probably in Pre K when the teacher asked the kids where do we have bones. My turn came after “Hands” and “Legs” and I said “Penis!” The teacher and the assistant both laughed the hardest they did that year, and said that “no, there is no bone there”. But I never stopped  working that bone angle and eventually became a master jerk off.

“Potty” Said my son after the bath. He set there for about a minute and then shouted:”I did it!”. We went to look and there was it, an adult like in size and smell turd, with corn kernels proudly sticking out.

Indeed, my son is growing up.