Indian Buffet

29 Jul

I love Indian food. Buffet style especially.
My stomach, not so much.

This is why when i walk into the restaurant I’m always happy, exchanging pleasantries with the staff, throwing a couple of jokes up in the air. I enjoy the food. Take my time, go for a second and sometimes a third serving.
But when I leave I’m always running. Barely making it to the bathroom at home. There were a few cases where my wife had to take over the wheel and drive, because I was afraid that braking would result in a wet fart.

Having kids with you, especially a baby complicates things because a great baby would let you eat without any interruptions, but would get hungry right after that so instead of racing for the car, you now have to sit and feed your child and smile and be nice to all the people who congratulate you on your wonderful kids.
One might ask why don’t I just go to the toilet at the restaurant. There are two parts to the answer. One, this kind of reaction requires a lot of privacy. The second one is that I would hate doing it them. One time, I had to shit so bad after such a lunch buffet, that we had to stop at a Dunkin’ Donuts and use their bathroom. This was a brand new branch that just opened a couple of days before I got there. They were smiling at me when I walked in but not when I left. The place just wasn’t the same again after that.

Oh Shit

22 Jul

1. Toilet Followup– It finally happened. The toilet overflowed. My wife was drying her hair in the bathroom (barefoot of course) when the kid decided to flush. I was in the other room when I heard a big “NOOoo!” that was part warning part realization that it was too late. It was pretty bad when I got there. Everybody was in a state of shock. I was The Wolf only that I was doing the cleaning and not just the planning. The wife was unharmed so I sent her out. The son was deep in shit, literally. By then so was I. I picked him up and put him in the bath. I moved as many things as I could but it already reached the dirty laundry that was piled in the corner. So I used the cloths and a couple of towels for the cleanup- please keep this in mind next time you ask to take a shower at my place! A disinfection was also required. All in all, a good experience.

2. An Interesting sequence with a naked child-

“Take your finger out of your nose.”

“Take your hand out of your mouth.”

“Take your finger out of your tushy.”

“Take your finger out of mommy’s tushy.”

“Mine!”

“No, it’s mom’s”

“DON’T STICK YOUR HAND IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!”

“I am going to give him a bath….”

The Other Woman (Kinda R Rated)

16 Jul


We start touching each other. I don’t know this woman. This feels so good. Natural. We are all alone. Then the clothes comes off, her’s first. It’s like I’m twenty again. I know what is going to happen but I’m still not a hundred percent sure that it will. I am so on! We touch some more. I am not at all concerned about the fact that I’m happily married and a father of two amazing kids. Why am I not feeling guilty? I place my hand between her thighs. She is ready for me. And I’m  for her. Then my wife pushes me. I wake up, and she is telling me that I was snoring (I never snore…). I am on my back, so maybe I was snoring.

I look to my left and see my daughter in the co-sleeper, look to the right and see my son in the middle of the bed and my wife next to him, and understand that under the circumstances I just had a very inappropriate (almost) wet dream.

Judge me not for my dream but for the fact that I’m writing this post on my phone, sitting on the floor in my son’s bedroom, minutes after tucking him in!

 

* I would like to thank my wife, the love of my life for still loving me even after this post.

Namanini

11 Jul

“Wehh ma Namanini?”

We looked everywhere.

“Wehh ma Namanini” means “Where is my Lamborghini”. He is actually pretty good about it, not complaining too much. But we are obsessed. Where could it be? We searched the cars better then an entire Florida CSI team looking for DNA. The rooms, the kitchen, even the fridge was frisked. Nada.

The toilet is clogged. When you flush, more then one person’s poop comes up. Almost to the top. I fucking hate it. I took one of those toilet snakes, stuck it in the crap, and started twisting. You do this and you begin to understand why plumbers charge so much. The water went down. The snake is covered with everything that was in there. How do you clean it? It still won’t flush properly which makes it a pee only bathroom. Of course we forget. So the next morning I’m with the snake again in the shitter. This time it’s working and we can flush again. But as I’m cleaning my work area I start thinking about how the Lamborghini disappeared around the same time that the toilet got clogged and how these two cases might be somehow related, and how thiswill make a great Shitty Dad post.

I’m in the middle of a home inspection (we are trying to buy) and my phone is ringing. It’s my wife. I can’t pick up but she is calling again. She knows I’m busy so it must be important. When I finally answer she is screaming in my ear:”I found the Namanini!” I almost kiss the inspector but somehow keep it together. I came back home, went to the bathroom, and now it’s clogged again.

“Whee ma Beedubeyou (BMW)?”

He sure knows his cars!

Apocalypse, Now?

8 Jul

This post is more on the imagery side. I saw this fella outside of my very urban building. Though it was resting on the net, he looked exactly like the leaves on the tree behind it. Some sort of color changing shape shifting creature. As I got closer I thought I heard it say: “yo, mo fo, if I’m here, then this is the beginning of the end for you”. Then something happened and I forgot all about it. Only later that day when I was in the bathroom at work, working my way through another glorious Shitty Dad moment that I stumbled upon these photos and it all came back to me. So I ask: Apocalypse, Now?

I’d love to know what this really is If anyone knows.

Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Another poop story (not for the faint of heart)

27 Jun

Lately, as our plan to purchase our first home moves along , the adult conversation is about down payments, closing costs interest rates etc. Not so was the discussion that took place in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. I did not remember it in the morning after but my wife’s hard drive is better then mine and she was there to remind me:

Wife: “What was that noise?”

Me: “He just pooped”.

Wife: “Are you sure?”

Me: “His ass is in my face”.

Wife: “Oh shit”.

And shitty it was let me tell ya (he was wearing a diaper thankfully, but still)…

In a related story, last night he was twisting and turning so much in bed ( It is important to mention that my son keeps on sneaking into our bed at night), that at 4:30am I decided to go to his room to sleep on the guest’s futon. Two minutes later he was an inch from my face talking about Robots and Dinosaurs. It smelled awful so I asked him if he pooped to which he proudly replied “Yup!” .This was one of the worst shit mess I’ve seen in a while. It went all over his legs, then he touched it with his hand which he then put on the sofa… What can I say, Morning has broken.

People Who Don’t Have Kids

20 Jun

People who don’t have kids:

– Think you are a slacker and that you are having fun when you take a personal day to stay home with a sick kid.

– Can drive tiny cars.

– Probably have less sex then you, but say they do.

-Don’t value the power of Mad Man as an anaesthesiac.

– Don’t know what they are missing even though you really want to change places with them sometimes.

– Are not on your side when you are holding the line at the store because your diapers coupon isnot accepted and you make a scene.

– Think that if you are tired in the morning it’s because you were partying all night. They don’t know that you tucked everybody in, and waited until they are all asleep so you can finally hide somewhere and jerk off.

– Have no idea about the PBS morning lineup.

– Bring the noisiest, messiest gifts.

– Hear: “We need more formula” and ask: “Are you a scientist?”

– Are not as brave as you are. You clean shit everyday. They would never shake your hand again if they saw you do it.

Dirty Diaper

Huevos

16 Jun

Getting hit in the balls is no fun. I am about ninty percent sure it wasn’t on pupose though. I leave ten percent open cause you can never know.

The personnel at our weekly recreational soccer game ranges from people who played in college/high school, to people whose first time seeing a soccer ball was when we convinced them to come and play with us. Such is the case with our offender. he only played with us a couple of times, and while very athletic, he is as far from being a soccer player as one can be.

The ball just rolled to him. I was no more then four feet away, facing him. I said “nice and easy, nice and easy” (I sometimes say important things twice) but when I looked at him I knew that A. He didn’t hear a word I said, B. It wasn’t going to be nice, or easy and C. That he wasn’t going to let this one go away. This time the ball is not going to slip under his foot, he’s not going to fall on his ass like before, he’s not gonna let it happen. I just stood there.

This was the shot of his life. And it hit me right in the middle. I heard somewhere that when you get hit in the balls you don’t feel the pain right away. BULLSHIT. It hurts like a motherfucker.I felt my penis being tear to shreds, I felt my testicles heat up and swell so much that I thought they would hatch. I collapsed on my knees and just set there for a couple of seconds suffering but also being thankful that I already have two kids in case I won’t be able to make any more of them.

I ended up scoring two goals after that, one for each damaged ball. When I came home my son ran to me with an Elmo doll, and struck me right in the balls with it. WTF?

Bones

9 Jun

Corn

The wife had a very concerned expression on her face. “He is putting Toby on his penis” she said.

She was giving him a bath at the time, the baby in the poop seat next to her. The poop seat is just a bouncy seat but  both of our kids and also other kids that we know tend to shit when placed on one. I was not so involved as I was getting ready to watch the basketball game of course.

I walked into the bathroom, where my giggling son was doing the deed and understood the problem. “It’s not Toby, it’s Bulstrode the Barge that he puts on his penis” I shouted to her (Both from Thomas and Friends Just in case you are not in the kids business).

And yes he was putting it over his penis and enjoying it. This throws me back to one of my earliest memories. I was probably in Pre K when the teacher asked the kids where do we have bones. My turn came after “Hands” and “Legs” and I said “Penis!” The teacher and the assistant both laughed the hardest they did that year, and said that “no, there is no bone there”. But I never stopped  working that bone angle and eventually became a master jerk off.

“Potty” Said my son after the bath. He set there for about a minute and then shouted:”I did it!”. We went to look and there was it, an adult like in size and smell turd, with corn kernels proudly sticking out.

Indeed, my son is growing up.