Tag Archives: diapers

Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

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Another poop story (not for the faint of heart)

27 Jun

Lately, as our plan to purchase our first home moves along , the adult conversation is about down payments, closing costs interest rates etc. Not so was the discussion that took place in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. I did not remember it in the morning after but my wife’s hard drive is better then mine and she was there to remind me:

Wife: “What was that noise?”

Me: “He just pooped”.

Wife: “Are you sure?”

Me: “His ass is in my face”.

Wife: “Oh shit”.

And shitty it was let me tell ya (he was wearing a diaper thankfully, but still)…

In a related story, last night he was twisting and turning so much in bed ( It is important to mention that my son keeps on sneaking into our bed at night), that at 4:30am I decided to go to his room to sleep on the guest’s futon. Two minutes later he was an inch from my face talking about Robots and Dinosaurs. It smelled awful so I asked him if he pooped to which he proudly replied “Yup!” .This was one of the worst shit mess I’ve seen in a while. It went all over his legs, then he touched it with his hand which he then put on the sofa… What can I say, Morning has broken.

People Who Don’t Have Kids

20 Jun

People who don’t have kids:

– Think you are a slacker and that you are having fun when you take a personal day to stay home with a sick kid.

– Can drive tiny cars.

– Probably have less sex then you, but say they do.

-Don’t value the power of Mad Man as an anaesthesiac.

– Don’t know what they are missing even though you really want to change places with them sometimes.

– Are not on your side when you are holding the line at the store because your diapers coupon isnot accepted and you make a scene.

– Think that if you are tired in the morning it’s because you were partying all night. They don’t know that you tucked everybody in, and waited until they are all asleep so you can finally hide somewhere and jerk off.

– Have no idea about the PBS morning lineup.

– Bring the noisiest, messiest gifts.

– Hear: “We need more formula” and ask: “Are you a scientist?”

– Are not as brave as you are. You clean shit everyday. They would never shake your hand again if they saw you do it.

Dirty Diaper

Coupon

3 Jun

Never get between a parent and his/her diapers coupons.Shopping Cart

There was no line at the automated cashier  at the supermarket. Yes, we needed the milk, butter, and other items in the somewhat full cart, but we stopped at the store because of a  $3 diaper coupon that was about to expire. We didn’t have much time, It was nap time for the kids and I had an important phone call to make.

“This is not a coupon sir, it’s an advertisement” said the lanky guy who helps when you hit the “Get help/ Cancel an item” button. “There is no barcode”. “I don’t care, it is saying, $3 off”. “That’s on your next purchase”. But this is my next purchase, that’s how I got the coupon”. “Sorry sir, there is no barcode”. “Listen buddy, you either give me the $3, or get your manager right now”. “No problem sir”. A very young looking, Hobbit sized girl shows up. “Sir, this is clearly not a coupon, there is no barcode, you will get the coupon with your next purchase, that is,hmm, this one”. Now I was really getting pissed off, this shouldn’t be so complicated. The third “supervisor” was wearing the same uniform as the first two, and was trying to explain to the idiot customer the same thing using almost the same words. By then, I missed the important call, the kids (who were very patient) were past their nap time, but all of that did not matter. I would easily buy coffee for everyone at work without a second thought, but you must have a death wish if you fuck with my diaper coupons. If to paraphrase on This, I’m getting my $3!

Then the Hobbit came back with the news that his highness, the store manager decided to grant us our wish and “just this time” give us a $3 discount. We won the battle.

But not the war. Because as I was paying, the coupon printer started working and a $3 voucher, with a barcode came out. and the lanky guy saw, and I saw that he saw, and he saw that I saw that he saw. And he was hiding a smile.