Tag Archives: farting

The Picker

10 Oct

I am constantly telling my son to stop picking his nose. I however, spend the first ten minutes after arriving home in the evening doing just that. I will also do it whenever I go to the bathroom. In fact, I sometimes go to the bathroom just to do it. I do it in the car but only after dark. It’s not that I’m proud of it but how can you not do it? I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don’t feel the urge to dig in and take out all that good stuff. “Look it!” He is yelling in an ordering tone, filled with joy, pointing a mucus covered finger. And I love him so much, but this so disgusting. The fact that you enjoy the smell of  your own farts doesn’t mean that you appreciate it when your kids fart on your hand when you apply butt paste during a diaper change. Same goes for nose picking. You may say that I set a bad example with my own digging, but when I visit his daycare it seems like all the kids suffer from the same pre existing condition called Indexus En Nostrilus. They walk around, one hand holding a toy and the other searching for gold.

Stop picking your nose

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Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

Guests

7 Aug

We love when guests from out of town come to visit and stay with us for a few days. Especially if it’s family. This was the case over the weekend.

The situation however, didn’t come without its challenges. No, I’m not talking about the fact that the kids stay with us in our room. If you read this shitty blog before, by now you know that the kids would end up in our bed at night anyway.

I’m talking about other things, more important. When you have guests you are unable to: Fart freely, so you have to find all kind of excuses to get out. But even then you are not safe because a neighbor might be outside and would want to start a conversation. So you find yourself stinking up the car because there is nowhere else to go. You pay for it the next morning when you get in to your car , and the farts that were locked in all night, don’t smell like your farts but someone else’s. Get naked, so you have to stay clothed until you go to sleep. My usual dress code at home in underwear, t-shirt optional. Shit when and where you want. We are limited to the bathroom in our bedroom, the one with all the plumbing issues. So every dump has a fifty fifty chance that all the shit from the entire building would rise and spill all over your floor, covering my feet with diarrhea from all walks of life. I shat with the plumbing snake next to me. Jerking off. Is there really more to say? OK, I’ll say more. The first night, The wife helped after the kids were asleep. After that, I was on my own, alone, in the dark, hiding in the bathroom, taking advantage of everybody going out for ten minutes leaving me all alone.

Thing is, that the moment I knew I couldn’t do these things freely, I needed to do them all the time….

 

Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Night Fart

19 Apr

Last night, my wife was farting up a storm. In her sleep. We had a guest using the other bedroom so the kids stayed with us. I counted fourteen farts before I stopped counting. It was two AM, and I was feeding the little one, when I witnessed the phenomenon. You know the sound that a semi-trailer makes on the highway sometimes? Like the driver lets go of the gas pedal   and a horse like noise comes out. That’s what her farts sounded like. And she didn’t even move, not even a moan. One of them was so loud that it startled my first born  so much that he almost fell off the bed. I had to push him with my foot so he stays on his bed and doesn’t end up on the floor. How can such a beautiful creature produce suce thunders? Yes, my foot, I was feeding the baby.

About a half an hour later, my wife wasn’t farting anymore, the baby was asleep. I was wiped. I finally went to sleep. I woke up a couple of hours later realizing that my son somehow managed to sneak into our bed, and was now patting me on the shoulder and saying: “su-si, su-si…” I just barked: “NO PUSHING” and closed my eyes. It took my a while to understand that I in the boy’s way and this gentleman of a toddler was actually saying: “excuse me” cause he wanted to get off the bed and go play.

What a shitty dad.farts like a truck