Tag Archives: health

My First Time

1 Sep

You never forget your first time.

The adrenalin rush, the fear of the unknown, trying to play it cool, not to make a fool of yourself.

The first time you take your kid to the ER. Why, what did you think I’m talking about?

The drawer fell on his foot. And while we warn him over and over again to be careful of all kind of stuff, it wasn’t his fault at all. We told him to put his cup in the drawer. And he did. And it’s a new house so we are still learning where the builder took his shortcuts. I heard a boom, then I counted twenty one, twenty two, twenty three. And the screaming started. About an hour later we went to the ER. Was pretty quite there, and with a little kid it didn’t take long before they called us in.

After the X-Ray, the Dr. came. No broken bones, no serious damage. But he would like to drain the blood from the toe. I remembered that my wife once closed the car door on her finger and had a similar procedure, and did not complain about it too much. I forgot that woman are tough, and that man and children are not. So being the shitty dad that I am I told him that it’s not going to hurt. Well it hurt like a motherfucker and in addition to my wife and me, we needed four more nurses to hold him down while the Dr was doing his thing. In his despair he called for help from the only person in the room that was not a part of all of it, his younger sister who was resting comfortably in her stroller completely indifferent to the drama evolving not five feet from her.

They fell asleep on the way home, and the next day he had a booboo to show off.

You never forget your first time…

Huevos

16 Jun

Getting hit in the balls is no fun. I am about ninty percent sure it wasn’t on pupose though. I leave ten percent open cause you can never know.

The personnel at our weekly recreational soccer game ranges from people who played in college/high school, to people whose first time seeing a soccer ball was when we convinced them to come and play with us. Such is the case with our offender. he only played with us a couple of times, and while very athletic, he is as far from being a soccer player as one can be.

The ball just rolled to him. I was no more then four feet away, facing him. I said “nice and easy, nice and easy” (I sometimes say important things twice) but when I looked at him I knew that A. He didn’t hear a word I said, B. It wasn’t going to be nice, or easy and C. That he wasn’t going to let this one go away. This time the ball is not going to slip under his foot, he’s not going to fall on his ass like before, he’s not gonna let it happen. I just stood there.

This was the shot of his life. And it hit me right in the middle. I heard somewhere that when you get hit in the balls you don’t feel the pain right away. BULLSHIT. It hurts like a motherfucker.I felt my penis being tear to shreds, I felt my testicles heat up and swell so much that I thought they would hatch. I collapsed on my knees and just set there for a couple of seconds suffering but also being thankful that I already have two kids in case I won’t be able to make any more of them.

I ended up scoring two goals after that, one for each damaged ball. When I came home my son ran to me with an Elmo doll, and struck me right in the balls with it. WTF?

Helmet

26 May

Jungle gym

People were giving me weird looks even before my son fell face down from a jungle gym’s hanging bridge at the park on the wood chips covering the ground.

In the car on the way to the park he was singing to himself, but NPR had a piece about red pants for men (I shit you not!), so I listened. He stopped singing after a while, not sure when.

It turns out that my fly was open. Not only open, but in a way that the package was showing. I wasn’t going comando or anything so I guess it could have been worse. By the time I realized what was going on it was already too late. All the other parents were keeping a safe distance. Thankfully nobody called the police. I wonder what I’d do in a situation like this. Wouldn’t it be easier just to say “hey bud, your fly’s open”?  It’s a lot less embarrassing then walking around with your penis sticking out of your pants like some pervert.

In the tenth of a second before he fell, when I knew it was going to happen but couldn’t do anything to stop it, I think I wanted to warn him “Be prepared son, this is going to hurt”. Never mind, he figured it out on his own a moment later. When I rushed to him I wasn’t thinking about sex, money, or sports, which are the three things I usually think about, not necessarily in this order. It was that stupid parental I wish I could take the blow instead of him notion. I was also happy that his mom wasn’t there. She was happy too. Earlier in the day we got him a helmet for his tricycle, and he wouldn’t take it off. When I finally got to him, he already started getting up, he cried for a few seconds, then inquired if he had any boo boos, and went back to play.

That’s when I saw that my fly was open.

Papa Make Peepee

18 May

Morning wood underwear“What’s that daddy?” asks the curious toddler, pointing towards my underwear. And I, had just woken up, and still half asleep, don’t answer but want to say:” This is called morning wood , and like all days, it will go to waste, but I’m still grateful for the fact that it’s still here, just like when it started when I was a young teenager.”

We don’t care much for closed doors at home, that is except for when we shit. Then we close the door. A bit for privacy, but mostly so we don’t stink up the entire apartment. On rare occasions, we’ll even take a kid with us to the shitter. So since the kid is following us almost everywhere, it is not uncommon for him to join us in the bathroom  watch his videos on the iPad or talk to us while one of us is taking a shower. We gave him freedom the day we turned his Ikea crib into an Ikea toddler bed (take one side off and you’re done) and he is a free spirit since.

“All done daddy?” he pressures as I pee. “Not yet”. “All done daddy” in a much higher pitch suggesting that peeing for as long as I do is abnormal. “No”.  He giggles when I fart, and then say:”papa make peepee, no poops, peepee”. Then he flushes the toilet as I’m still standing there. This is so unexpected that my pee stops.

“All done daddy?”

The Catch

10 May

Let me describe the situation. You are sitting in the bedroom, watching TV, checking email, eating, or whatever it is you do when you have a moment to yourself. Suddenly, you hear a remote thud, followed by an “Oh shit”.

You rush towards the voice and you see your wife holding her nose saying: ” I think I broke my nose”.  “What happened?” you ask, and she is telling you that she was trying to kiss the kid as he was getting up which resulted in a collision. If this never happend to you, you are either not a parent, a very recent one, or the luckiest mom/dad alive. Anyway, she doesn’t get to finish the sentence when your son is coming out of his room screaming in pain (or so it seems).

So your wife is on one side holding her nose. This could be a real medical emergency. And your son is crying on the other side, you don’t know his condition. Now, here is the catch. Who do you go to first? The answer may not be so simple. I went for the kid.

Wrong answer.

But if I went for the wife it would also be a mistake. The correct answer I now understand, is to ask (twice): “What to do? What to do?”

Then you’l know.

Heavy Breathing

6 May

This is a family of snorers. You know what an orchestra sounds like in the moments just before the concert starts? the fine tuning. So something like that. Complete cacophony.

Breast pump

Our apartment is quite roomy, but somehow in the morning, we all wake up in the same room, and almost always in the same bed. It’s not always snoring, but those intolerable noises to which my wife refers to as “heavy breathing”. There are a few kinds of “heavy breathing”, with the most common being something that sounds almost like snoring but does’t have the same force, energy, or volume. A typical scenario involving heavy breathing will have me in deep sleep suddenly being torn  out of my dream by constant shaking. It’s an awful feeling, like someone is ripping you out of your own skin. And then, when I open my eyes, the wife would say: “You were snoring” now, I don’t think I snore at whole so I would ask: “Was I really snoring?” and she would say: “You were breathing heavy”, and I would say: ” You wake me up for this? Come on!”. Another popular kind is the “Khaa”. It almost sounds like dripping water only backwards. It’s as if the sleeper has a valve in his/her nose that is only allowing so much air to enter and exit. If you know what a breast pump sounds like (which in it self is a subject for another post) then you are getting closer. When I try to sleep and hear it, it’s driving me nuts. We have two “Khaa” offenders. Wife and son, and the way to deal with it is very simple: With wife, I just grab her arm, gently first, then a more firm grip as needed. She’ll turn around eventually and the Khaa would stop. With son, I just roll him to face his mom. In both cases, speaking is not required.

Cramps

30 Apr

belly cramp

In the past few months I’ve been pretty good about attending the gym. I guess I started around the time that we were expecting our second child to be born. It’s helpful that I have one at work, and I can sneak in when there’s no one there and do my workout.  This “workout” includes some bike riding, easy weight lifting, and a few pushups. Lately, I added  sit-ups, but have not mastered it yet. About a week and a half ago I didn’t get a chance to go when I wanted, so I went to the gym on my lunch break. I wasn’t the only one there. There were all those that working out is a way of life. We all know these people: Slender, fit, muscles in the right places, Tattoos, no chest hair, rushing between a cross fit practice and an extreme bicycle race. Everything they do looks so easy. In other words, because of people like these, people like me cancel their gym membership or more likely don’t get one in the first place.

So, I did my thing and everything was OK until I got to the sit-ups. I decided to do double as many sit-ups as I usually do (from 10 to 20!) When I was done I know that I have a problem.  I had a cramp. In the lower right side of my belly. I  collapsed on the floor, and crawled to the side  where I lay in a fetus position. I knew from experience (I sometimes get this when having sex) that it would pass in a few minutes, but this one was something else, I could barely breath. This was way worse then anything I had ever encountered before. This is probably  the closest thing to contractions  a man can feel. I also may have let one slip. I’m not sure because I don’t remember farting, but it  sure smelled like one of my farts there. Then one of the guys came over and asked: “Hey dude, got a cramp?” I immediately grabbed my thigh and said: “Yeah man”.
I saw them hiding a smile.