Tag Archives: life style

Apocalypse, Now?

8 Jul

This post is more on the imagery side. I saw this fella outside of my very urban building. Though it was resting on the net, he looked exactly like the leaves on the tree behind it. Some sort of color changing shape shifting creature. As I got closer I thought I heard it say: “yo, mo fo, if I’m here, then this is the beginning of the end for you”. Then something happened and I forgot all about it. Only later that day when I was in the bathroom at work, working my way through another glorious Shitty Dad moment that I stumbled upon these photos and it all came back to me. So I ask: Apocalypse, Now?

I’d love to know what this really is If anyone knows.

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Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Bones

9 Jun

Corn

The wife had a very concerned expression on her face. “He is putting Toby on his penis” she said.

She was giving him a bath at the time, the baby in the poop seat next to her. The poop seat is just a bouncy seat but  both of our kids and also other kids that we know tend to shit when placed on one. I was not so involved as I was getting ready to watch the basketball game of course.

I walked into the bathroom, where my giggling son was doing the deed and understood the problem. “It’s not Toby, it’s Bulstrode the Barge that he puts on his penis” I shouted to her (Both from Thomas and Friends Just in case you are not in the kids business).

And yes he was putting it over his penis and enjoying it. This throws me back to one of my earliest memories. I was probably in Pre K when the teacher asked the kids where do we have bones. My turn came after “Hands” and “Legs” and I said “Penis!” The teacher and the assistant both laughed the hardest they did that year, and said that “no, there is no bone there”. But I never stopped  working that bone angle and eventually became a master jerk off.

“Potty” Said my son after the bath. He set there for about a minute and then shouted:”I did it!”. We went to look and there was it, an adult like in size and smell turd, with corn kernels proudly sticking out.

Indeed, my son is growing up.

Helmet

26 May

Jungle gym

People were giving me weird looks even before my son fell face down from a jungle gym’s hanging bridge at the park on the wood chips covering the ground.

In the car on the way to the park he was singing to himself, but NPR had a piece about red pants for men (I shit you not!), so I listened. He stopped singing after a while, not sure when.

It turns out that my fly was open. Not only open, but in a way that the package was showing. I wasn’t going comando or anything so I guess it could have been worse. By the time I realized what was going on it was already too late. All the other parents were keeping a safe distance. Thankfully nobody called the police. I wonder what I’d do in a situation like this. Wouldn’t it be easier just to say “hey bud, your fly’s open”?  It’s a lot less embarrassing then walking around with your penis sticking out of your pants like some pervert.

In the tenth of a second before he fell, when I knew it was going to happen but couldn’t do anything to stop it, I think I wanted to warn him “Be prepared son, this is going to hurt”. Never mind, he figured it out on his own a moment later. When I rushed to him I wasn’t thinking about sex, money, or sports, which are the three things I usually think about, not necessarily in this order. It was that stupid parental I wish I could take the blow instead of him notion. I was also happy that his mom wasn’t there. She was happy too. Earlier in the day we got him a helmet for his tricycle, and he wouldn’t take it off. When I finally got to him, he already started getting up, he cried for a few seconds, then inquired if he had any boo boos, and went back to play.

That’s when I saw that my fly was open.

Cramps

30 Apr

belly cramp

In the past few months I’ve been pretty good about attending the gym. I guess I started around the time that we were expecting our second child to be born. It’s helpful that I have one at work, and I can sneak in when there’s no one there and do my workout.  This “workout” includes some bike riding, easy weight lifting, and a few pushups. Lately, I added  sit-ups, but have not mastered it yet. About a week and a half ago I didn’t get a chance to go when I wanted, so I went to the gym on my lunch break. I wasn’t the only one there. There were all those that working out is a way of life. We all know these people: Slender, fit, muscles in the right places, Tattoos, no chest hair, rushing between a cross fit practice and an extreme bicycle race. Everything they do looks so easy. In other words, because of people like these, people like me cancel their gym membership or more likely don’t get one in the first place.

So, I did my thing and everything was OK until I got to the sit-ups. I decided to do double as many sit-ups as I usually do (from 10 to 20!) When I was done I know that I have a problem.  I had a cramp. In the lower right side of my belly. I  collapsed on the floor, and crawled to the side  where I lay in a fetus position. I knew from experience (I sometimes get this when having sex) that it would pass in a few minutes, but this one was something else, I could barely breath. This was way worse then anything I had ever encountered before. This is probably  the closest thing to contractions  a man can feel. I also may have let one slip. I’m not sure because I don’t remember farting, but it  sure smelled like one of my farts there. Then one of the guys came over and asked: “Hey dude, got a cramp?” I immediately grabbed my thigh and said: “Yeah man”.
I saw them hiding a smile.