Tag Archives: Parent

Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

My First Time

1 Sep

You never forget your first time.

The adrenalin rush, the fear of the unknown, trying to play it cool, not to make a fool of yourself.

The first time you take your kid to the ER. Why, what did you think I’m talking about?

The drawer fell on his foot. And while we warn him over and over again to be careful of all kind of stuff, it wasn’t his fault at all. We told him to put his cup in the drawer. And he did. And it’s a new house so we are still learning where the builder took his shortcuts. I heard a boom, then I counted twenty one, twenty two, twenty three. And the screaming started. About an hour later we went to the ER. Was pretty quite there, and with a little kid it didn’t take long before they called us in.

After the X-Ray, the Dr. came. No broken bones, no serious damage. But he would like to drain the blood from the toe. I remembered that my wife once closed the car door on her finger and had a similar procedure, and did not complain about it too much. I forgot that woman are tough, and that man and children are not. So being the shitty dad that I am I told him that it’s not going to hurt. Well it hurt like a motherfucker and in addition to my wife and me, we needed four more nurses to hold him down while the Dr was doing his thing. In his despair he called for help from the only person in the room that was not a part of all of it, his younger sister who was resting comfortably in her stroller completely indifferent to the drama evolving not five feet from her.

They fell asleep on the way home, and the next day he had a booboo to show off.

You never forget your first time…

Moving

22 Aug

I know not what we’ll use in the first trips” I told my dad, who last moved some thirty three years ago, paraphrasing on Albert Einstein’s famous quote about the weapons of WW4, “but on the last trip we’ll use trash bags“. And boy was I right.

Everybody hates moving. Movers hate moving because it’s hard labor that pays little and you get attitude from your boss and the customers. The customer hates it because some sweaty mover guy is touching their shit and might accidentally find their porn/sex toy/pot/you name it. DIY wannabees like me hates it because it’s a lot of work, you get hurt, you get angry at all the people you helped move who won’t come to help you, and your dad might accidentally find your porn/sex toy/pot/ you name it.

In my case it was watching my dad, who traveled such a long distance just to help us, holding a bra in one hand and my dirty underwear in another. Will I do the same for my kids?

Towards the end, when we ran out of boxes and started filling trash bags with totally unrelated items (clothes and frozen food, a plunger and soccer shoes, etc.) it was time to pick my son up from day care, and when we put him in the car seat, a sign of the times, he said: “I donwanna go to Home Depot“. But we did.

Oh Shit

22 Jul

1. Toilet Followup– It finally happened. The toilet overflowed. My wife was drying her hair in the bathroom (barefoot of course) when the kid decided to flush. I was in the other room when I heard a big “NOOoo!” that was part warning part realization that it was too late. It was pretty bad when I got there. Everybody was in a state of shock. I was The Wolf only that I was doing the cleaning and not just the planning. The wife was unharmed so I sent her out. The son was deep in shit, literally. By then so was I. I picked him up and put him in the bath. I moved as many things as I could but it already reached the dirty laundry that was piled in the corner. So I used the cloths and a couple of towels for the cleanup- please keep this in mind next time you ask to take a shower at my place! A disinfection was also required. All in all, a good experience.

2. An Interesting sequence with a naked child-

“Take your finger out of your nose.”

“Take your hand out of your mouth.”

“Take your finger out of your tushy.”

“Take your finger out of mommy’s tushy.”

“Mine!”

“No, it’s mom’s”

“DON’T STICK YOUR HAND IN YOUR MOUTH!!!!”

“I am going to give him a bath….”

Namanini

11 Jul

“Wehh ma Namanini?”

We looked everywhere.

“Wehh ma Namanini” means “Where is my Lamborghini”. He is actually pretty good about it, not complaining too much. But we are obsessed. Where could it be? We searched the cars better then an entire Florida CSI team looking for DNA. The rooms, the kitchen, even the fridge was frisked. Nada.

The toilet is clogged. When you flush, more then one person’s poop comes up. Almost to the top. I fucking hate it. I took one of those toilet snakes, stuck it in the crap, and started twisting. You do this and you begin to understand why plumbers charge so much. The water went down. The snake is covered with everything that was in there. How do you clean it? It still won’t flush properly which makes it a pee only bathroom. Of course we forget. So the next morning I’m with the snake again in the shitter. This time it’s working and we can flush again. But as I’m cleaning my work area I start thinking about how the Lamborghini disappeared around the same time that the toilet got clogged and how these two cases might be somehow related, and how thiswill make a great Shitty Dad post.

I’m in the middle of a home inspection (we are trying to buy) and my phone is ringing. It’s my wife. I can’t pick up but she is calling again. She knows I’m busy so it must be important. When I finally answer she is screaming in my ear:”I found the Namanini!” I almost kiss the inspector but somehow keep it together. I came back home, went to the bathroom, and now it’s clogged again.

“Whee ma Beedubeyou (BMW)?”

He sure knows his cars!

Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Another poop story (not for the faint of heart)

27 Jun

Lately, as our plan to purchase our first home moves along , the adult conversation is about down payments, closing costs interest rates etc. Not so was the discussion that took place in the middle of the night a couple of nights ago. I did not remember it in the morning after but my wife’s hard drive is better then mine and she was there to remind me:

Wife: “What was that noise?”

Me: “He just pooped”.

Wife: “Are you sure?”

Me: “His ass is in my face”.

Wife: “Oh shit”.

And shitty it was let me tell ya (he was wearing a diaper thankfully, but still)…

In a related story, last night he was twisting and turning so much in bed ( It is important to mention that my son keeps on sneaking into our bed at night), that at 4:30am I decided to go to his room to sleep on the guest’s futon. Two minutes later he was an inch from my face talking about Robots and Dinosaurs. It smelled awful so I asked him if he pooped to which he proudly replied “Yup!” .This was one of the worst shit mess I’ve seen in a while. It went all over his legs, then he touched it with his hand which he then put on the sofa… What can I say, Morning has broken.

People Who Don’t Have Kids

20 Jun

People who don’t have kids:

– Think you are a slacker and that you are having fun when you take a personal day to stay home with a sick kid.

– Can drive tiny cars.

– Probably have less sex then you, but say they do.

-Don’t value the power of Mad Man as an anaesthesiac.

– Don’t know what they are missing even though you really want to change places with them sometimes.

– Are not on your side when you are holding the line at the store because your diapers coupon isnot accepted and you make a scene.

– Think that if you are tired in the morning it’s because you were partying all night. They don’t know that you tucked everybody in, and waited until they are all asleep so you can finally hide somewhere and jerk off.

– Have no idea about the PBS morning lineup.

– Bring the noisiest, messiest gifts.

– Hear: “We need more formula” and ask: “Are you a scientist?”

– Are not as brave as you are. You clean shit everyday. They would never shake your hand again if they saw you do it.

Dirty Diaper

Bones

9 Jun

Corn

The wife had a very concerned expression on her face. “He is putting Toby on his penis” she said.

She was giving him a bath at the time, the baby in the poop seat next to her. The poop seat is just a bouncy seat but  both of our kids and also other kids that we know tend to shit when placed on one. I was not so involved as I was getting ready to watch the basketball game of course.

I walked into the bathroom, where my giggling son was doing the deed and understood the problem. “It’s not Toby, it’s Bulstrode the Barge that he puts on his penis” I shouted to her (Both from Thomas and Friends Just in case you are not in the kids business).

And yes he was putting it over his penis and enjoying it. This throws me back to one of my earliest memories. I was probably in Pre K when the teacher asked the kids where do we have bones. My turn came after “Hands” and “Legs” and I said “Penis!” The teacher and the assistant both laughed the hardest they did that year, and said that “no, there is no bone there”. But I never stopped  working that bone angle and eventually became a master jerk off.

“Potty” Said my son after the bath. He set there for about a minute and then shouted:”I did it!”. We went to look and there was it, an adult like in size and smell turd, with corn kernels proudly sticking out.

Indeed, my son is growing up.

Coupon

3 Jun

Never get between a parent and his/her diapers coupons.Shopping Cart

There was no line at the automated cashier  at the supermarket. Yes, we needed the milk, butter, and other items in the somewhat full cart, but we stopped at the store because of a  $3 diaper coupon that was about to expire. We didn’t have much time, It was nap time for the kids and I had an important phone call to make.

“This is not a coupon sir, it’s an advertisement” said the lanky guy who helps when you hit the “Get help/ Cancel an item” button. “There is no barcode”. “I don’t care, it is saying, $3 off”. “That’s on your next purchase”. But this is my next purchase, that’s how I got the coupon”. “Sorry sir, there is no barcode”. “Listen buddy, you either give me the $3, or get your manager right now”. “No problem sir”. A very young looking, Hobbit sized girl shows up. “Sir, this is clearly not a coupon, there is no barcode, you will get the coupon with your next purchase, that is,hmm, this one”. Now I was really getting pissed off, this shouldn’t be so complicated. The third “supervisor” was wearing the same uniform as the first two, and was trying to explain to the idiot customer the same thing using almost the same words. By then, I missed the important call, the kids (who were very patient) were past their nap time, but all of that did not matter. I would easily buy coffee for everyone at work without a second thought, but you must have a death wish if you fuck with my diaper coupons. If to paraphrase on This, I’m getting my $3!

Then the Hobbit came back with the news that his highness, the store manager decided to grant us our wish and “just this time” give us a $3 discount. We won the battle.

But not the war. Because as I was paying, the coupon printer started working and a $3 voucher, with a barcode came out. and the lanky guy saw, and I saw that he saw, and he saw that I saw that he saw. And he was hiding a smile.