Tag Archives: people

The Picker

10 Oct

I am constantly telling my son to stop picking his nose. I however, spend the first ten minutes after arriving home in the evening doing just that. I will also do it whenever I go to the bathroom. In fact, I sometimes go to the bathroom just to do it. I do it in the car but only after dark. It’s not that I’m proud of it but how can you not do it? I find it hard to believe that there are people in this world who don’t feel the urge to dig in and take out all that good stuff. “Look it!” He is yelling in an ordering tone, filled with joy, pointing a mucus covered finger. And I love him so much, but this so disgusting. The fact that you enjoy the smell of  your own farts doesn’t mean that you appreciate it when your kids fart on your hand when you apply butt paste during a diaper change. Same goes for nose picking. You may say that I set a bad example with my own digging, but when I visit his daycare it seems like all the kids suffer from the same pre existing condition called Indexus En Nostrilus. They walk around, one hand holding a toy and the other searching for gold.

Stop picking your nose

Of Shite and Men

2 Oct

    • Would you like some Champagne?” At first we said no, then they asked again, more firmly and we said yes. A mistake considering that we haven’t had a drink in so long that we forgot how to drink, It was only eleven in the AM, and that it was a birthday party for a three year old. We felt that it was getting too crowded and noisy for our seven months old daughter and tried to leave but we were ordered to “Stay for the cake!” We regretted it shortly after, when our baby had an explosion of diarrhea that went over her clothes. They barely let my wife get out to go to the car, where she found out she didn’t have a change of cloths for the girl. The ride home was great…

 

    • How do you measure pride? Since there is no way of quantifying how proud one is, it has to be compared to other moments to know if it’s More or Less. I was prouder then an athlete’s parents seeing their child as a pro for the first time on TV (“there’s my kid over there…) when I saw my first born sitting on the toilet. Not so much for sitting there, but for doing it while on the iPad. That’s my big boy!

 

    • My friend from California does it to me. We speak once or twice a week, and he never fails me. Winter Spring Summer, or Fall, all I need to do is call, and five minutes into the conversation I have to shit. He is my Shit Trigger or “Shrigger”. “Call Shitty Dad’s Friend From California Today, And Say Goodbye To Constipation! Call today, operators are standing by.”

 

    • To the guy who walks in to our locker room/ restroom at work, just at the time when about a dozen guys are changing to soccer gear, walking into the one available stool with a grin on his face like some fool on a hill, and taking the stinkiest, noisiest shit I have ever smelled and heard in my life. You arrogant prick. I think twice before farting in the car, making sure no one will smell it if I stop at a traffic light. And here you are Mr. “Well, this is what bathrooms are for”, instead of going to the other toilet fifty feet away decide that it’s cool to do it there. Nobody said anything when this was going on but let me tell you something, I saw the looks, and none of us will ever be friends with you.

 

Things you know

2 Jul

Stop picking your nose

  • What your foot taste like when you stick it in your mouth.
  • That with young kids, changing the subject does solve the problem.
  • When you see a hot young chick walking towards you, she sees an old weird guy.
  • What the aging feels like. You literally feel it.
  • How to be bipolar on purpose in order to avoid going crazy.
  • That even-though you are tough, you get more emotional then a chick watching the last scene of a chick-flick when your kid tells you he/she loves you.
  • That when you pick your nose and fart in front of your kids, they think it’s a good thing. You should totally control yourself.
  • Most people are shit (yourself included), but try to be nice about it.
  • No matter how hard you try, your kids are still going to grow up to be just like you.
Have more? Do tell!

Heavy Breathing

6 May

This is a family of snorers. You know what an orchestra sounds like in the moments just before the concert starts? the fine tuning. So something like that. Complete cacophony.

Breast pump

Our apartment is quite roomy, but somehow in the morning, we all wake up in the same room, and almost always in the same bed. It’s not always snoring, but those intolerable noises to which my wife refers to as “heavy breathing”. There are a few kinds of “heavy breathing”, with the most common being something that sounds almost like snoring but does’t have the same force, energy, or volume. A typical scenario involving heavy breathing will have me in deep sleep suddenly being torn  out of my dream by constant shaking. It’s an awful feeling, like someone is ripping you out of your own skin. And then, when I open my eyes, the wife would say: “You were snoring” now, I don’t think I snore at whole so I would ask: “Was I really snoring?” and she would say: “You were breathing heavy”, and I would say: ” You wake me up for this? Come on!”. Another popular kind is the “Khaa”. It almost sounds like dripping water only backwards. It’s as if the sleeper has a valve in his/her nose that is only allowing so much air to enter and exit. If you know what a breast pump sounds like (which in it self is a subject for another post) then you are getting closer. When I try to sleep and hear it, it’s driving me nuts. We have two “Khaa” offenders. Wife and son, and the way to deal with it is very simple: With wife, I just grab her arm, gently first, then a more firm grip as needed. She’ll turn around eventually and the Khaa would stop. With son, I just roll him to face his mom. In both cases, speaking is not required.